did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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