Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
