help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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