The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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