so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
