Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Life is so much better after having sex.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Randomize
