3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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