I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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