the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
