True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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