There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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