I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
