Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
