I puked a lego.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
