hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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