Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.