Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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