he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
