I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
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I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
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The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.