Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
