Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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