Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
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Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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