there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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