There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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