The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
When are your genitals available?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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