no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
