I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
