I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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