my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
