Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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