Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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