Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
