I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
