Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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