she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
