I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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