Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
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He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
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who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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