seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
