ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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