I smell stomach acid.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
