my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
