omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
