M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
