I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
