yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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