dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
