First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
