i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize