One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
