My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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