Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
