Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
