I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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