so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
