good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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