the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
